Two Years of Grieving

To those who continue to grieve,

Unfortunately, grieving does not stop after the one-year mark of someone you love passing away. The way you grieve just changes.

As you go throughout the first year of grief a lot of things are taking place:

You are in survival mode. You are just trying to make it through each passing day. 

People are checking in on you weekly, some even daily.

You are creating new routines, filling in the voids that your loved one left. 

You are looking for distractions to fill up your time so you do not have to sit alone in the pain and hurt.

There are so many loose ends you have to get tied up.  

You dread the days leading up to the anniversary of their death because you begin to relive those last moments that you shared with that person. It feels as if you are experiencing that grief and shock all over again for the first time. 

It seems as if you are just stumbling through the days until you have reached the one-year death date of the one you so dearly miss. You then roll into year two of living without them.

For me, year two of grief seemed to be more difficult than the first year. It felt like I was entering into the years of what seemed like silent grief. The world around you has moved on, but there I am still wallowing in the hurt, the pain, and the desperation. Even if friends, family, and acquaintances are still grieving with you, it does not always seem that way. 

During the second year of grief:

Relationships with those around you change. You realize that God puts and takes certain people in and out of your life for a reason. Some friendships strengthen while others fall away. That is just a part of life in general though, but it seems to be more noticeable when you need support.

You have had time to process the tragedy that you continue to live through. That makes it even more real. 

You find yourself wanting to talk to this person and tell them all about something that you had heard because you knew they would find it interesting.

You hear new songs on the radio that you want to send to them because they would understand the connection that you had with it. 

You have had time to question why you had to lose someone you held so close to your heart. The person that was always there is just one day gone.

You may start to allow yourself to fall into survivors guilt if you didn’t in year one. Was there something that I could have done that could have changed the outcome of this situation? Why can they not be here with all of us still? It just doesn’t make sense. They should still be here living life alongside us. 

In year one, you probably made changes in your holiday traditions to mask the pain of celebrating without someone who had always been so heavily involved. In the second year of holidays, the new traditions just seem to intensify the pain because you know why things are done differently now. 

Instead of focusing on the present, you find yourself looking towards the future. You start to think of all your memories that won’t have that person in them. Things that you have been anticipating for years; graduations, marriages, new babies, family vacations, and more. You look at those around you who still have their dad, mom, brother, sister, friend, or whoever you lost and wonder why you can no longer have yours. You don’t mean to be, but you’re jealous of them and it’s heartbreaking.

You try to fall asleep at night, but you can’t because your head is full of scenarios and memories of the loved one you lost. Maybe you are scared to fall asleep because you see your passed loved one in dreams, but when you wake up you remember they’re gone. You stay up into the early hours of the morning rereading old text messages, Facebook posts, scrolling through your camera roll, or listening to that one voicemail you thankfully didn’t delete.

You are sitting at family functions, or in a room full of people and start to get emotional because all you think about is that one person not being there. They were always so good at talking with anyone they met and you miss having them as a buffer to all of the unknowns. 

To my friends who continue to grieve in silence, I am with you. My heart continues to ache every day for my dad. I may not see your pain, but I am praying for you. 

I pray that you know that while others may not see your grief as they did in year one, Jesus sees you. He sees the almost unnoticeable tears slip down your cheeks and your silent car rides home. He sees you when you feel as if you cannot take the unbearable hurt of missing that person any longer. He’s there with you when you can’t sleep. Lean into Him and He will give you His peace. He will bring you comfort like no other. He will listen to you as you pour out the pain of your heart. 

Reach out to others when the pain seems unfathomable, there are people who love you that want to help you work through the pain. I also know that it is okay to talk to people outside of your circle, who do not know your story. Pastors, counselors, or therapists are great resources to use when you need an outside source to pour into you. Sometimes you just need someone to listen to your story and that is nothing to be ashamed of.

Carry around a journal and write down your thoughts. It helps to get them out of your head. It helps you work through your emotions. You can keep things private, but you can get them out. I have found this to be a saving grace. You can even voice to text your thoughts in your notes app on your phone if you’re not one to sit down and write. 

Friend, your grief is still valid. It will always be valid. There is no timeline for healing, but we must take steps in the direction of it. Just because you continue to grieve does not mean you cannot find joy and peace in the days to come. You are still seen and heard. Remember that you are still loved. My heart is with you if you can identify with anything I have said above and I want you to know that it’s okay if grief comes out of nowhere and you have moments of pain. Jesus hears the hurts of your heart, call out to Him. He is near, always. 

With love, 

Mattie Mae

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalms 34:18